My safe space.

For the past 17 months, unconsciously I have been building my safe space. – in my mind.

It started out with an infatuation with watching Bob Barkers, the Price is Right. They have a channel dedicated, 24×7, to Bob Barkers, the Price is Right on Samsung TV. I’ve watched almost every episode. It was the only channel I watched for 6 weeks, and I still binge watch it sometimes. I was reminiscing about when I used to watch it on sick days (every Gen X did) and in the summer, 10:00 am, I didn’t miss an episode. Rewatching it again, took my mind back to the 80’s and pulling memories forward. At the time, I didn’t appreciate how simple life was. The only thing I had to worry about was completing the chores my mom gave me for the day.

Life was easier.

Music was better. I could almost smell the scent of coconut from tanning lotion I would put on myself before I would lay on the deck with my boom box listening to my mixed tape that I recorded songs from Casey Kassem’s American Top 40 for the week.

Home cooked meals my mom made. I remember it was a cold, fall day, but not too cold because I was outside putzing around. It was close to supper time, so I walked into the house, and I was instantly hit with the smell of beef roast with potatoes and carrots cooking in the oven. A fire had been started in the fireplace, so the house was warm from the fire and the oven. I would sit down in dad’s chair and watch tv until my dad came home from work and then supper was ready. We always had dinner together. All five of us had our own spots at the dinner table. Dad would talk about how much of a crappy day he had and my sisters would talk about what they did for the day. I don’t remember what I talked about, but I know I was very chatty, so I’m sure I got my words in. Life was simple and easy because of routine.

I’ve been listening to 80’s music lately. I know all the words to songs that I used to jam to. Chicago’s Greatest Hits – hard habit to break, will you still love me and you’re the inspiration. Hall and Oats – kiss on my list and private eyes. Christopher Cross – sailing…I could keep going on and on. Music was the best in the 80’s. Just listening to it triggers so many memories from when I was in elementary school and junior high. I still have hard copy pictures from that time. I remember all the sappy songs would remind me of the guy I had a crush on. I used to add his name to Chicago songs just to personalize it. I’m laughing out loud right now. Life was simple – easier.

I’ve been following this girl on Instagram and Tik Tok and all she posts are items from the 80’s. Cabbage patch kids, trapper keepers, Atari, Walkman, aqua net hair spray – hard wired rotary phones where you had to talk to your friends with your family around. Remember when we had to cover our books for school with paper bags? Then I started to follow 80s commercials –

“excuse me, do you have any grey poupon?”

“give it to Mikey, he eats everything. He likes it…!”,

“who wears short shorts…”,

“this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, any questions?”

“the best part of waking up is folgers in your cup.”

I bet reading those took you back to the 80’s too. That was why the 80’s was so great. That is why I remembered words to songs, tv commercials, memories are easy to pull from my memory bank.

See what I’ve been doing is building a safe space for my mind to escape to. A time when things were easier, simpler and filled with laughter and joy. A time when my mom and dad were alive. When I had a family.

A time that wasn’t my current reality.

I didn’t have to think about the fact I’m paralyzed

I’m an orphan and just wish I could talk to my mom and dad.

Not having to feel the pain I’m in from morning to night.

That I don’t have a choice anymore because I can’t count on my mom and dad to be there for me.

That my relationship with my sisters is so complicated.

That I have to work to keep what I have left.

Being reminded that this life is the life I don’t want.

Time to escape.