How many of you are good at putting on a smiling face and a positive attitude to mask what may be truly going on with yourself? 🙋🏻♀️ I do.
Masking the pain behind a humor filled personality is often easier than just saying “I’m not ok”. Society has taught us to show up and don’t wear your emotions on your sleeve. I remember in my early 30’s, a vice president told me “in order to succeed, you can’t wear your emotions on your sleeve.” I remember thinking, I will never be successful. But what is the true definition of successful.
I’ve always been a hard worker. Dad beat that into me when I was growing up. I didn’t appreciate it then, but I did in my adult life. Being a hard worker is what has gotten me the luxuries and lifestyle I was blessed to have. Notice I said “was”. I recall a few years ago, sitting down with my besties and us all laughing and giggling about how liberating it feels to not give a shit what people thought of us anymore. It’s like we had been waiting for that our whole life! I was finally me, and it was good enough. Then … my accident happened. I’m not me anymore. I’m not good enough anymore. I know I’m not who I used to be. I’m back to caring what people think of me, putting on the “everything is great” smile and…surviving.
The last few days have been hard. I am being tested and I’m tired of being tested. God has my plan, not satan, but that doesn’t take away from my daily struggles that no one sees except for David.
So I’m choosing to post this video. I didn’t watch it, I just asked David to record it. It’s me, struggling, 4:04 seconds it takes me to get out of my chair and into my bed. What you don’t see is that my back is completely stiff and in pain, my heart is aching because I need to say goodbye to the only thing that gives me purpose, Khara, the doubt in soul about how am I going to keep surviving.
I’m choosing to say today that I am not ok…but there is always tomorrow.
Leave a Reply