Who am I.

Work has got me drained by the end of the day. It really is a good thing, it just delays me writing because I have a bedtime now of 8:00 so I can be up and alert for the new job. I feel like a school kid again.

I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for a while. I’ve delayed doing so because it’s my reality and it hurts.

When I was told I was paralyzed, they didn’t hand me a book on what life will be like. Sort of like when you are going to become a new parent, they don’t give you a guide for that. So I’ve had to learn things along the way.

Something I didn’t expect or even think about is how much my anatomy was going to change.

I always used to love to go get pedicures and especially to get my toenails painted for the summer. I loved to show off the bright colors because they looked great in the sand. Now I look at my toenails and they are discolored due to lack of circulation. Sure I can paint my toenails, but it doesn’t hide what’s underneath.

My calves. I had strong calves. They were strong because for years I worked hard to strengthen them to ride my horse. I loved it that I could finally move Dexter to the right just by pressing in with my calf. Now my calves are deflated – unrecognizable – with no muscle, only flabby skin and bone.

My thighs. They too were strong for riding horses. I always had big muscular thighs. I had my dad‘s legs. My mom had chicken legs which we always used to joke about. I loved when someone wanted to leg wrestle with me. I would easily take them down because my legs were strong. Now my thighs have deflated, no muscle – only flabby skin.

The big surprise for me was my butt. Recently, David had to take pictures because I had been dealing with some bed sores. The first time I saw a picture of what my butt looked like I cried. There is no more muscle, no more fat, just flat skin with my butt bones sticking out. I have learned that bedsores need to be taking seriously because people with spinal cord injuries have died because bed sources have gotten so bad. At first, I didn’t understand how that could happen because there was muscle and fat to protect that. In 15 months, my butt has changed so much that my skin can now break down so easily and I have to be on constant alert for bed sores.

Before my accident, I had lost 30 pounds and I was the lowest weight I had been in years. I had felt so comfortable in my skin. After my accident, I gained the 30 pounds back and then some. All of it is in my stomach. I didn’t know that when you eat, it’s very difficult to exercise and burn those calories off when you’re paralyzed from the chest down. On a daily basis, from the chest down I don’t move. Therefore, gaining weight is pretty simple. Now I have a big belly where I look 7 months pregnant and there is no way to hide it.

My arms look like they have aged 20 years. Have you heard of crepey skin? Definition: thin, fragile skin that looks finely wrinkled, loose, and resembles the crinkled texture of crepe paper. I have crepey skin.

I didn’t know these changes were going to happen. I didn’t mentally prepare for my anatomy to change so much. I no longer feel womanly, instead I feel disabled. I look at my body and I don’t feel it is mine. My entire life I dedicated to losing weight and looking good. Now I would do anything to get the muscle and fat back that I’ve lost. I grieve who I used to be. I am not accepting who I am.